guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I feel like a drive thru vagina
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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