I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
