I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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