he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
