There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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