Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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