I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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