I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
