I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
