i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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