I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
