If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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