oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
