shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
