there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
