I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
