I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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