Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
