too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Use "feeling words"
Yay
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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