Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
