JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
