I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
