When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
