I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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