wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
