Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
