let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
