so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
