my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
