alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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