I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
