im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
