i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
