My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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