how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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