I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
