You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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