My cat gives me a boner
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
