i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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