Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Umm I'm too high to move.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
