a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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