he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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