I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She bit a glass in half.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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