I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
