You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
