She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
