I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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