Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
