is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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