Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I could fuck to npr.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
