Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
