She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
